Harry Potter and the Big Silver Screen
by LovelySlytheriness
Summary: A parody of the latest movie in the Harry Potter Series.  CONTAINS MAJOR DEATHLY HALLOWS SPOILERS!


MINISTER FOR MAGIC: These are Dark Times, but I shall protect you.

AUDIENCE: Thank *god* he's behind a screen. We don't fancy drowning in saliva.

TRIO: Our lives will drastically change, because these are Dark Times. You can tell, because we actually bother to involve our *families* this time.

GINNY: See me? And my Fiery Red Mane of Hair? Yep, that's me, behind Ron in the kitchen. That counts as screen time. Right? RIGHT?

DRACO: I'm Terribly Innocent and Fretfully Misunderstood. Also, Voldemort is scary. And so are snakes. And Floating Bodies. Come to think of it, puppies, rainbows and the thought of losing my hair gel are also quite intimidating.

LUCIUS: My hair is *frizzy* and also: I'm not perfectly shaved. I'm a mere shell of the Powerful Man with Glorious Hair I once were, I have crumbled; FALLEN FROM GRACE –

VOLDEMORT: Your WAND, Lucius. I know your wand is pretty gay, but I'll take it.

DRACO: HE BROKE MY DADDY'S PIMP CANE. BASTARD!

HARRY: Such a small cupboard, so many memories. You'd think one would be starved for love and affection after eleven years inside this, but not me! I'm the HERO. I'm *strong*.

HERMIONE&RON&HAGRID: We lurve you, Harry!

HARRY: Need. Hugs. And. Human. Warmth. Now.

MOODY: THIS HUFFLEPUFF NONESENSE IS MAKING ME HIDEOUSLY UNCOMFORTABLE. Let's get nake- I mean, get down to business.

HARRY: There's *no way* I'm going to allow everyone transform into me and see my – er, I mean, risk their lives. For me.

MOODY: But they're all of age, and also: Curious. You can do nothing!

FLEUR: Don't *look* or *talk* to me, Bill. If you do you might realize that without my Supreme Veela Powers and Foxy French Accent, I have nothing.

MOODY: Remember people: compared to Harry, you're useless. Now, To Infinity – and Beyond!

HARRY: On the upside: I got to show off my splendid Matrix moves by running on the roof of a car. On the downside: My owl is dead but right now that's OK as she was *stupid* and gave me away.

HERMIONE: Thank god you're alright, Ron.

HARRY: I need me some lovin' too, sugar.

RON&HERMIONE: You know, soon we'll have to give him the We Can't Do *Everything* Together Anymore-talk…

BILL: Mad Eye is dead.

ALL: …

BILL: Really? That's all?

ALL: Well, he *was* kind of weird.

FRED: All this death and misery is *so* boring. Quick George, make a joke.

GEORGE: I'm HOLY.

AUDIENCE: What just happened..?

GINNY: So, Harry, the Love of My Life, the Apple of My Eye, if you're not busy with my brothers, my mum, Lupin or house elves, can you please get over here? I'm half naked. Also, weddings are *lame*.

HARRY: Weddings are AWESOME. By the way, can I kiss you? I may or may not get any action again. Ever.

GINNY: Going somewhere, lover?

HARRY: MY PLAN IS SNEAKY. And my Journey must be one of Solitude.

GINNY: I know you want to, like, *get to know me* and talk about the *war*, but I don't get much more screen time than this.

HARRY&GINNY: This kiss lacks so much chemistry that it actually makes the prospect of war, death and misery seem exciting.

GEORGE: 'Sup?

AUDIENCE: OH THANK GOD, LET'S NOW LAUGH AND FORGET ALL ABOUT THE KISS OF WEIRD ANGLES AND AWKWARD ADOLECENCY.

GINNY: I thought I was supposed to give Harry the Kiss of Undying Passion. My moment of greatness is now reduced to one of Comical Relief. I *so* wouldn't have gotten naked for this if I'd known.

HARRY: There, you're dressed. Off you go. I'm gonna go weep about the useless Snitch Dumbledore left me.

GINNY: Right, I'm off to be an Extra Extraordinary again. See you on Platform 9 and ¾ in nineteen years, Harry!

HARRY: …

GINNY: That's right. You won't even *look* for me on that map you have.

HARRY: I am the Master of Sneakiness. Me and my partner in crime, the Backpack of Companionship.

RON: Hold it right there, Mr.! Where do you think you're going?

HARRY: I'm sneaking about. Sneakily.

RON: I can't believe you're trying to leave. Weddings, Harry! You love weddings!

HARRY: What? Oh, that. Yeah, I just said that. I really don't care about weddings, NO MATTER WHOSE IT IS. Right, I'm off to rule the world. Catch you later!

RON: Without Hermione, the Goddess of Wisdom and Reason?

HARRY: I have my Backpack of Companionship. I am the Chosen One. I am EVERYTHING.

RON: …I think you should go back to bed, Harry.

HARRY: FINE. But you WILL carry my Backpack of Companionship for me. I'm the Chosen One, you know.

HARRY: I *hate* weddings. I haven't gotten any booty, old people keep telling me lies, LIES I TELL YOU, about Dumbledore and Death Eaters shows up like the cherry on top of it all. I HATE MY LIFE.

HERMIONE: Where is my Purse of Everything? Where?

RON: Cling to me, I shall protect you My Fair Lady in Saucy Red Dress.

TRIO: Fuck *this* shit, we're outta here.

RON: Oh my god, come quick! I think I've proved myself useful!

HERMIONE&HARRY: Stop the presses!

RON: Regulus Arcturus Black, do you know what the initials are! Do you! Because *I* sure do!

HERMIONE: You are *so* clever. I might reward you later, oh you redheaded genius, you.

CREATURE: MUDBLOOD AND BLOODTRAITORS MATING IN THE NOBLE HOUSE OF BLACK. THIS IS CRUELTY, BEASTIALITY –

HARRY: Silence, slave.

HERMIONE: Guys, it looks quite suspicious when you carry an unconscious lady into an abandoned alley…

RON&HARRY: Nonsense! Now, help us remove her clothes.

HARRY: I *love* this Kinky Leather Coat.

RON: I know I've done some quite questionable things in life, like drinking Crabbe's hair, but I think it's *really* gross to put my feet in a toilet.

MINISTRY OF MAGIC: What do you mean "Nazi Germany during World War II?" We don't hate JEWS. We hate MUDBLOODS.

HARRY: Locket, check. Wand, check. Kinky Leather Coat, check.

HERMIONE: RON'S ARM IS FALLING OFF, GET ME MY PURSE OF EVERYTHING.

HARRY: Damn, I knew there was *something*. By the way: I think there's something wrong with Ron's arm.

HERMIONE: You know, for being the Hero of Friendship and Nobility, you have odd priorities.

LOCKET: I taunt you with my Invincibility.

TRIO: When all else fails, start a forest fire.

LOCKET: I IS EVIL. I IS A PART OF VOLDEMORT'S SOUL.

HARRY: Imma wear it as my Pimp Bling. It makes me look so BADASS.

RON&RADIO OF MISERY: I hope my family isn't dead.

HARRY: You're WHINY and USELESS. Also: You have the Arm of Fail. You're cramping my style.

AUDIENCE: …

HARRY: Didn't you get the memo? I'M BADASS AND SO IS MY NEW PIMP BLING.

HERMIONE: You're a douche, Harry.

HARRY: I can't hear you over the sound of how Awesome and Badass my Pimp Bling is.

HERMIONE: Oh dear god, take it off.

HARRY: There's something special about this tonight, oh Thou Heroine of This Story.

HERMIONE: Personal space, Harry. I need it.

HARRY: Maybe it's the moonlight, the mysterious forest, your *marvelous* scent…

HERMIONE: …I want to get back to Ron now. Remember him? Red hair, your best mate, my Love Interest for the past six books, ect, ect?

HARRY: Ah, my Rival.

HERMIONE: …

HARRY: …

RON: I'm unable to satisfy my woman for a DAY because of this STUPID arm, and I am already wounded and betrayed. I am Woe and Jealousy, I am the – wait for it - *SUBPLOT*.

RON: I'm just chilling here in my Bed of Emo with my Radio of Misery. Hopefully I'll catch some music from the radio. Sum 41's 'Better Off on My Own' would be *wicked* right about now.

HARRY'S HAIR: No! I fear scissors like I fear hairbrushes, they bring me despair, DESPAIR, I TELL YOU! OotP was a *nightmare*, why do you think that movie was so depressing?

HERMIONE: I AM A GENIOUS.

HARRY: What else is new?

HARRY'S HAIR: MY PREYRS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED.

RON: I AM WEARING VOLDEMORT'S SOUL. I EXIST. I AM BORED.

HARRY: I would be bored too, if I was as *useless* as you.

RON: I hate you, I hate your face, and I hate your *dead parents'* faces!

HARRY: OH NO YOU DIDN'T.

HERMIONE: Ron, I think you should remove the locket –

RON: Don't touch me, you Wench of Infidelity! I'm *leaving*.

HARRY: Fine. But leave my Pimp Bling.

HERMIONE: I *knew* I should've put out earlier. This is what happens when you're being a tease.

HARRY: Abandoned and Emotionally Wounded Woman, a Mysterious Forest and Music. Cue, Tragic Hero!

HERMIONE&HARRY: Dancing, the answer to everything.

HERMIONE: I seriously doubt that JK intended for it to be so much *tension* between us, Harry.

HARRY: Shh, don't talk sugar, you'll ruin the Moment.

HERMIONE: …

AUDIENCE: This was a Capital *Moment*…?

HARRY: Need. To. Kiss. Something.

SNITCH: I feel VIOLATED.

HERMIONE: This place is highly dangerous and Voldemort expects you to go here. Shouldn't we use Polyjuice potion…?

HARRY: Don't be ridiculous, Hermione. How would *that* put us in mortal danger? This is *exciting*.

HERMIONE: I miss Ron.

HARRY: Hush! You are the Heroine and I am the Hero!

HERMIONE: …and I'm scared.

HERMIONE: Harry, I really don't think it's a good idea to follow this funny smelling woman. She appears to be MUTE. How much information do you expect to get from – Hey, a book!

HARRY: THE PARSELMOUTH IS A SNAKE. THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED. HELP?

HERMIONE: I'm reading. I'm sure you'll manage.

HARRY: …

HERMIONE: Oh, fine.

HARRY: Seriously, WHERE ARE YOU?

HERMIONE: I just stumbled over a pile of books, and no, the irony is not lost on me.

HARRY: Let's jump out the window.

HERMIONE: OK, I have bad news and I have good news. What do you want to hear first?

HARRY: Bring on the bad news. I'm in a snowdrift and I almost got killed by a snake not even half the size of the one which ass I kicked when I was twelve. This day can't get much worse.

HERMIONE: Your wand is broken. Here, I'm sitting on the pieces.

HARRY: I AM IN DESPERATE NEED OF GOOD NEWS.

HERMIONE: I found a book! Look, it's shiny.

HARRY: Oh my god, get in the tent.

HARRY: I haven't been in mortal danger for like *fifteen minutes*. This calls for a spontaneous swim beneath the ice.

RON: I see my timing is impeccable! I'll save you Harry, just a sec- oh, THE SWORD!

AUDIENCE: Well, wasn't *this* an Unexpected Plot Contrivance.

HARRY: Stupid. Thick. Ice.

RON: First things first, my friend. Life is about priorities.

LOCKET: YOUR BEST FRIENDS *SHAG*. THEY HATE YOU, THESE SPIDERS HATE YOU, AND YOUR MUM HATES YOU.

RON: I see this is where my Irrational Jealousy and Murderous Rage come in handy!

HARRY: Good job, Ron.

RON: Only three to go!

HARRY: Er, actually it's four…

RON: What do I know? I'm just the Subplot.

RON: Look, baby, I know I abandoned you when you needed me the most and undoubtedly let you down more than anyone ever has, but I *did* destroy a Horocrux.

HERMIONE: You did WHAT?

RON: I know right? Admittedly, I thought it was you and Harry that I stabbed at the time, but still.

HERMIONE: …You're not helping your case.

RON: YOU ARE THE LIGHT AND THE WARMTH OF MY HEART.

HERMIONE: AW.

RON: That's right baby, YOU LIGHT MY FIRE.

HARRY: Wow. I have *never* been so cockblocked in my entire life.

SNATCHER: We are SNATCHERS. You have a precious sword. You do the math.

HERMIONE: …Jack Sparrow?

SNATCHER: I can be whoever you want me to be, sugar.

HERMIONE: Are *all* men in this movie desperate ..?

SCENE: This is what happens when there is only One Heroine.

DRACO: What is wrong with Potter's dashing face?

DEATH EATERS: Are you saying that this *is* Potter?

DRACO: ….No.

LUCIUS: Look closely! If it is, we can say goodbye to Frizzy Hair and Broken Pimp Canes!

DRACO: But I'm *confused*! I don't know where my loyalties lie!

BELLA: It's time for some GIRL ON GIRL ACTION, methinks. No boys allowed!

RON: *Hell* no!

HARRY: HELL NO, I WANT TO SEE THIS!

ALL: …

HARRY: This forced celibacy is starting to get to me.

BELLATRIX: Dolores taught me this fabulous Trick of Humiliation and Cruelty. How do you spell 'M-u-d-b-l-o-o-d'?

HERMIONE: Man, I *rock* this scene.

HARRY: Carry on, ladies. Never mind us!

DOBBY: I AM THE RESCUE, ALSO, THE COMICAL RELIEF.

HERMIONE: The rescue, I get. The comical relief? Uncalled for.

AUDICENCE: Word.

HARRY: Give me the wands, Malfoy.

DRACO: Will you make everything right with the world again?

HARRY: Sure.

DRACO: WILL YOU SAVE MY FATHER FROM THE HORRORS OF FRIZZY HAIR?

HARRY: Look, give me the wands or I'll tell EVERYONE how you CRIED like a GIRL in sixth year.

DRACO: Take the wands, and never mention *that* again.

BELLATRIX: I need to kill *something* today.

DOBBY: I'm dying! You owe me, Potter. Save me!

HARRY: HERMIONE, WHERE IS YOUR PURSE OF EVERYTHING?

HERMIONE: Look, I know he saved us and all, but he *kinda* stole my thunder at the Malfoy Manor.

LUNA: The name is Luna Lovegood. I deliver useless lines, in a movie near you!

VOLDERMORT: In case anyone forgot: I Am Evil.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we got that.

VOLDEMORT: No, seriously. My Wrath and Ruthlessness know No Limits. See? I even *defile tombs*. That's how WICKED I am. HAR HAR HAR!

SCENE: This is where the movie ends with a sense of Chilling Foreboding.


End file.
